I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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