Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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