you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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