ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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