mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Floor bacon is actually really good
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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