I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize