Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How's work?
Spinning.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
