for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
