I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
