I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I deserve this hangover.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
