ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
