can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
