I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
