At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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