I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
