i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
