Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
