Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
