More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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