It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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