She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
