sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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