i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
