So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
