I bet he comes in French.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize