It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
