I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
