What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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