last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
