cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
