I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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