And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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