Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
