I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
