Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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