my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
