Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
