no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
