The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
