i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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