How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
