how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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