It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
