my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
