Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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