Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
