So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
