Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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