Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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