May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize