It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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