So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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