The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
