he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Randomize
