He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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