Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
