No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
