I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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