some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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