Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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